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The Holiness Of Marital Relations PDF Print E-mail
Written by Michael   
Wednesday, 31 January 2007
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The Holiness Of Marital Relations
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Third - The Proper Food

From the verse, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works," we know that the ritual slaughtering of animals for human consumption is a compassionate act, for the animal's betterment. -- It is fitting that a man eat proper and nutritious foods, things that will cleanse, refine, and purify the blood. -- If a man distances himself from damaging foods, he will have upright, holy, and pure children.

Know that a man's physical state depends on the food he eats. And behold, Hashem, whose every deed is just, commanded that animals be ritually slaughtered for human consumption. Why should this be when we could live well on fruits and vegetables? Why should He readily forfeit the lives of animals and cause them great suffering?

It is a fundamental principle of life that Hashem, may He be blessed, is good to every creature and is merciful to everything that He created, as it says, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works," (Psalms, 145:9). It follows from this that man's ritually slaughtering and eating of animals is for their betterment. I will explain.

It is known that the food that a person eats goes to his stomach, and then descends to his upper colon. From there, the liver extracts the healthy and choice portions, the nutritious, and the clean and refined, and the remainder is separated to the lower colon and excreted by the bowels. The portion that the liver extracts is returned and reprocessed, and the blood is cleaned and is circulated back to the heart.

The heart then sends the blood to all of the organs. In the organs, the blood undergoes another processing, specific to each organ, so that elements of flesh are incorporated into flesh, fats into fat, sinews into sinews, elements of bone into bones, and thus the body is nourished. In this manner, an animal that has been ritually slaughtered and eaten by man benefits by his being slaughtered, for it has been raised up from the physical status of an animal to the physical status of a man. In this same manner, minerals, plants, and animals are all elevated, stage after stage, to higher levels of existence, as it says, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works."

Given this introduction, we understand that the blood brings nourishment to the body and is incorporated into it, and that the blood is itself influenced by the food that the body consumes. If the food is heavy and unrefined, the blood will be heavy and unrefined. And if the food is clean and pure, then the blood will be the same.

ImageTherefore, the L-rd, blessed be He, in His holy Torah, distanced us from certain forbidden foods by prohibiting us from consuming them. Some of them dull the heart like chelev [certain fats] and blood. Some cause in a person the characteristic of brazenness, like wild animals and birds of prey. Some shut the doors of understanding and wisdom, like the rabbit, hare, pig, and their like. Some cause severe and damaging illnesses, like creatures that creep on land and in the sea.

In summary, regarding all of these, it says, "You shall not make yourselves abominable" (Leviticus, 11:43). Behold, it is known that all of these detestable and disgusting things give rise to bad blood that is destined to bring about devastating consequences.

And behold, when the Sages said that a man must sanctify himself at the time of marital relations (Shavuot 18B), know that eating the proper food is a part of this sanctification.

When the Sages said a man must sanctify himself in his marital relations, eating the proper food is a part of this sanctification.

For it is fitting that a man eat the right and wholesome foods situated between cold and hot, and also foods which produce blood that is clean and pure. For this same blood will be transformed into the drop of semen that will be the foundation of the child who will be born from the marital union. For if the food will be of a forbidden species, or heavy, or unwholesome, then the semen will also be heavy, putrid, and foul. It turns out that food influences a person's being and whether a child will be wise or foolish, righteous or wicked.

And now I will put in your hand a great key. Know that since the matter is as we have explained, this is the reason that Hashem placed the Torah portion, "If a woman has conceived seed and given birth to a male child" (Leviticus, 12:1), next to the Torah portion dealing with forbidden foods (which immediately precedes it). Following it comes the portion dealing with leprosy.

There are marvelous secrets why these three sections are positioned one next to the other. The section "If a woman has conceived seed and given birth to a male child" is placed in the middle to teach that if a man separates himself from evil foods, he will have pure, holy, and wholesome sons. However, if he doesn't keep away from eating forbidden foods, then his children will suffer diseases due to the evil nature of the impregnating seed which was derived from these abominable foods.

Therefore, a man is to sanctify himself by eating wholesome foods in the meal preceding marital relations, so that the seminal seed will be refined and pure, and of average temperature between north and south, as we have learned. For we have established that the consistency of blood depends on the food which has gone into producing it, and that the semen will be like the blood, and that the offspring will be like the semen. This follows from what we have said that a horse will not give birth to an eagle, and peas will not sprout from wheat. Similarly it is said that foul and polluted semen will give rise to offspring whose blood is vile and loathsome, as it says, "Whose offspring is evil from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4).

Behold, in this section, we have alerted you to the proper manner of nutrition. Now we must add that even from the proper food, a person should not overindulge himself and fill up his belly.

Image
Buffet dining can be hazardous
Rather, one should eat a medium-size quantity that can be easily digested and readily transformed into clean and pure blood. For if food is piled up in the stomach, even though it be wholesome, the over abundance will prevent proper digestion, causing its processing in the body to be even more polluting than if the person had eaten a small amount of the coarse and evil things. Therefore, it is just as important to be careful over the amount of food as over the type of food. This is an important principle that must be guarded in regards to food as it influences the marital union.

Fourth - The Required Intention

There is a great secret in what our Sages have taught us that the thought of a sin is worse than the sin itself. - Every man must cleanse his thoughts and imagination, and refine them at the time of the marital union, and not think about lascivious and sinful matters, G-d forbid. Rather, his thoughts should concentrate on holy matters, and on holy tzaddikim, men of knowledge and wisdom.

You must know a great secret regarding what our Rabbis of blessed memory said that the thought of a sin is worse than the sin itself (Yoma 29A). Behold, I will illuminate your eyes with matters that are among the mysteries of the world, matters which are hidden away in several inner chambers.

Know that the blessed L-rd, the all-knowledgeable One, designed His works in perfect wisdom, and gave to all things in nature the ability to function in a fixed order, without alteration, in a miraculous way. And behold, He gave man the power of imagination, and the ability to create the thing he imagines. This is something known to the students of nature as well.

And behold, when a man couples with his wife, if his imagination and thoughts are focused on the faculties of wisdom and understanding, and on proper and wholesome character traits, then the imaginative faculty of his thoughts has the power to shape the form of the drop of semen according to what he thinks at the time of the union. This is a clear and certain fact.  It is the secret of the "rods of green poplar..." and of, "And the flocks conceived before the rods" (Genesis, 30:37-39).

In this same light, this is what our Rabbis of blessed memory meant in describing how "Rabbi Yochanan was accustomed to go and sit at the gates of the ritual bathing house. He said: When the daughters of Israel come up from the bathing, they look at me and they have sons as comely as I am" (Berachot 20A). Just reflect on this extraordinary scene, how when a woman coming out of the ritual bath would catch sight of this saintly figure and impress his beauty in her thoughts. Then, when she coupled with her husband, the fetus would receive its form from the impression made by the picture in her mind of the tzaddik. Thus we learn that the imaginative faculty has great power, and that fantasy and thought bear a direct influence on the fetus, as we have explained.

Behold, the imagination and one's thoughts cause one's offspring to be saintly or wicked, like the influence of foods. Therefore, every man must cleanse his thoughts and imagination, and refine them at the time of the marital union, and not think about lascivious and sinful matters, G-d forbid. Rather, his thoughts should concentrate on holy matters, and on holy tzaddikim, men of knowledge and wisdom. For these thoughts will impress themselves on the seminal seed and shape its form during the marital union.

Also the wife should have joyous thoughts, concentrating on things that bring joy to the heart, so that she too will be in unison with her husband in sharing clean and pure intentions. In this way, they will be united in the mitzvah, bonded in their minds, the Shechinah will rest between them, and they will give birth to a son, formed in the image of their thoughts.

Do not think that this is an incredulous, wondrous matter, for it is a simple natural phenomenon known to the scholars who have studied these things -  that the characteristics of a child, whether good or bad, are directly influenced by the thoughts of the mother and father at the time of their marital union.

A proof has already been given (Midrash Tanchumin, Naso, 7), in the account of the queen who gave birth to a black child, even though she and the king were both white and exceedingly comely. The king thought to kill her for being an adulterer until a wise man suggested that perhaps she thought about a black man at the time of their marital relations. An examination revealed that black designs had been painted on the panels of their bedroom. The queen confessed that she would gaze up and muse over them during their relations. This is similar to the incident of the rods (that our forefather Yaakov placed in front of the coupling sheep).

In summary, if a man thinks upon wholesome and pure matters at the time of the marital union, these pure thoughts will be stamped on the seminal seed, and subsequently on the son born from such a union, insuring that he will grow up to be righteous in his ways. This is the inner meaning of the verse, "Before I formed you in the womb..." (Yirmeyahu, 1:5).  This is so because when the good thought precedes the shaping of the embryo, then the Shechinah becomes a partner with the pure intention. For our Sages of blessed memory have said that the Holy One, Blessed Be He, attaches good intentions to the deed (Kiddushin 40A).

If, however, a man thinks about a vile and sinful matter, then the resulting fetus will have an evil and ugly foundation, and is destined to be despicable and wicked in his ways, as it says, "Whose offspring is wicked from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4).

And I am obligated to enlighten you on a great principle of the Torah, and of our Rabbis of blessed memory who said, "G-d makes the lonely ones dwell in a house" (Psalms, 68:7), and in their saying, "Everyone who marries a woman for her beauty, a month doesn't go by without a sword consuming him" (Kiddushin 70A, varying version), as it says, "They have dealt traitorously with the L-rd, for they have begotten foreign children" (Hoshea, 5:7).

The great secret of this matter is that should a man marry a woman for her beauty, then his coupling with her will not be for the sake of Heaven, for he will think about her physical beauty and form, and not focus his thoughts on pure and lofty matters. Therefore the child that is born from these physical thoughts will be a strange and foreign child. This is the meaning of, "They have dealt traitorously with the L-rd, for they have begotten foreign children."  The Name of G-d will not be attached to them. They are traitors of Hashem, and the Shechinah flees from them.

Fifth - The Quality Of The Union

It is known that every saintly and modest man speaks in a gentle, patient, and pleasant voice, avoiding grandiose proclamations. And when he walks, he walks humbly with a lowered head. He is similarly modest in all of his ways. The wicked man is the exact opposite. Behold, it is important to note that a man's hands and his mouth, although they are considered clean organs, they can do ugly things. How much more damage can be done with an organ and a deed that can be so easily made ugly if used in an improper fashion. How much more thoughtful a man must be in these matters.

Therefore, during the time that a man is having relations with his wife, he should carefully guard against foolish levity and speech.

He should say things that awaken her desire and love, and things that draw her to the fear of Heaven, to modesty, and saintly behavior.

Before beginning, he should speak in a manner that warms her heart and settles her mind, saying things that gladden her, so that her thoughts will be bonded to his, and her intentions parallel to his. Thus he should say some things that awaken her desire and love, and some things that draw her to the fear of Heaven, to modesty, and saintly behavior.

He might tell her about saintly and modest women, who gave birth to sons known for their piety, Torah scholarship, and fear of G-d, like the saintly Kimchit who merited seven sons who all served as High Priest. The Sages asked her how she merited this great honor, and she answered that even the beams of her house never saw her hair uncovered. Her saintly and distinguished children were the reward for her modesty and her upright deeds (Yoma 47A).

ImageMarital relations should be in the middle of the night, or afterward, as it is taught: "In the third watch of the night, babies nurse at their mother's breast, and a wife ‘converses' with her husband"  (Berachot 3A). To sum up, when you are certain that you are in the proper frame of mind to have relations, make certain that your wife is in the proper mental bond with you. And when you are coupled, don't rush to arouse her desire, in order that she will have the time to settle her mind on the proper intentions.

In all of the things we have told you, you should understand certain matters that we have not stated openly. You should join everything together, and use your own wisdom to understand the proper way to conduct the marital union, behaving even more modestly than all of the modest qualities that characterize your other doings, such as eating, drinking, and speaking with people. This is because your modesty and your thoughts during the marital act are what determine the quality and spiritual make-up of your drops of semen.

This is the secret of the verse, "These are the generations Yitzhak, son of Avraham...." (Genesis, 25:19). After the Holy One, Blessed Be He, told him that his wife Sarah would give birth to a son, at the time of their union, Avraham concentrated his mind, and all of his noble qualities, on a supremely transcendental intention. Attaching his thoughts to the most exalted spiritual worlds, he infused his mind with the intention of having a son who would be worthy of G-d's promise. This is the secret of, "Avraham gave birth to Yitzhak," meaning he concentrated on having a son who would be a complete tzaddik like himself....

This is how all other saintly men conduct themselves, for in performing the marital act for the sake of the mitzvah, attaching their thoughts at the time of the union to the most exalted spiritual worlds, they bring forth children possessing the kernels of holiness, purity, and saintly behavior.

And this is why it is written, "These are the generations of Peretz: Peretz gave birth to Chetzron, and Chetzron begot Ram, and Ram begot Amminadav, and Amminadov begot Nachshon, and Nachshon begot Salma, and Salma begot Boaz, and Boaz begot Oved, and Oved begot Yishay, and Yishay begot David  (Ruth, 4:18). For, in being a complete tzaddik, Peretz had the intention of giving birth to a tzaddik like himself. This is the secret of "Peretz gave birth to Chatzron," continuing on until "Yishay begot David," a tzaddik giving birth to a tzaddik.

This comes to tell us that it was not accidental that G-d chose his servant, David, to rule as king over Israel, for he was the pinnacle of a chain of ten generations of complete tzaddikim, one more exalted than the next. This resembles the ten sefirot in the secret of their elevation, one upon the other, joined in the secret of ten, the Hebrew letter yud, which encompasses all the numbers preceding it, for from Peretz to David, there are ten ascending stages of tzaddik ben tzaddik.

And now, meditate on the secret of these matters. If you practice them like I have set forth, I promise you that you will give birth to a righteous tzaddik who will sanctify the Name of G-d.

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