Question:

Hard to concentrate, huh?

Answer:

When a person is in store for a spiritual advancement, the yetzer hara (evil inclination) attacks with all of its strength.

Sounds like marriage is in store for you and building a holy Jewish home. This is a supremely exalted attainment that the yetzer hara tries to prevent. Regarding your dating, perhaps you have too high a standard, or perhaps, owing to your California past, you place too much importance on physical appearances.

The most important thing in a Jewish woman is "Yirat Shamayim" - the reverence of G-d and dedication to the Torah. If a woman has this, she will be a loyal partner, a good mother, and will have the faith and strength to deal with the difficulties that arise in every marriage.

When a man is caught in a web of sexual desires and thoughts like you describe, it is often the result of "klipot" (spiritual husks) that he has created through his sexual transgressions. They surround him like a cloud of bees, tormenting him day and night. It is a sort of "ruach rah" [an evil spirit] that takes revenge on him. Below, we shall suggest a program of action to combat these spiritual husks.

But first of all, it is important not to fall into depression and despair. These only increase the power of the yetzer hara. Hard work and time are needed to rectify the mistakes of the past, but G-d assists those who come to purify themselves.

Dedicate some of your Torah study time to essays on rectifying the brit [sexual drive]. Books and essays on the subject are available in Hebrew. If you are limited to English, jewishsexuality.com is a good start. Arming yourself with knowledge of the holiness of the brit and the severity in transgressing it gradually builds up your will power to channel this life force in positive directions.

While every person is different in his situation and tikun (rectification), in cases like yours, the Kabbalist elder Rabbi Eliahu Leon Levi of Bnei Barak recommends a tikun that includes the following:

1. 

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   Guarding one's eyes from looking at forbidden images and immodestly dressed women is also a basic rule. The adage, "Out of sight, out of mind," is very true. Even modestly-dressed women can be very attractive and lead the mind astray.
   
   It is a Torah-forbidden prohibition to take pleasure in the beauty of any woman except for ones' wife. Each and every time that you glance away from an attractive woman, you are opening up floodgates of blessing from the creator by molding your heart to act according to His statutes. In this bold act, you are rectifying past mistakes and beginning to clean up the spiritual air pollution caused by them.
   
2. Rabbi Levi also advocates immersing in a mikvah as many times in the week as one can, in order to remove the clouds of spiritual pollution caused by sexual transgressions and fantasies. In the moments preceding his immersion, recite a confession for past errors and ask assistance from G-d in regaining sovereignty over your actions and thoughts to purify them.
   
3. The daily recital of "tikunim" is a basic part of the program, in order to rectify sins of the past and to blast away at the klipot. The tikunim are specific Psalms followed by a confession based on Kabbalistic understandings. The Rabbi's suggested tikun, "Tikun HaYesod Yeshuat Eliahu" is printed in his books, which can be ordered from the JewishSexuality.com bookstore at minimal cost. Also printed in the books is a tikun against "ruach rah" which can be recited several times a day and which serves as a shield against negative spiritual forces.
   
4. Careful attention to proper hand washing when awakening from sleep in order to remove the "ruach rah" from the hands. Rabbi Levy teaches that the initial purification of hands from a vessel in the morning, must precede entering the bathroom.
   
   
   

   The hands are raised to the level of the face, as above.
   While holding the vessel in the right hand, it is filled with water. Then place the filled vessel in the sink or on the counter and lift it with the left hand [For the first pouring only, don't transfer from right hand directly to left hand]. The left hand then pours water over the right hand. Then the vessel is transferred directly to the right hand which pours water over the left. This procedure is repeated another two times. The final 7^th pouring of water should be from the left hand to the right. Then the hands are raised to the level of the face and the blessing "al netillat yadayim" is recited. Then the hands are wiped with a clean towel.
   
   Afterward the person can go to the bathroom. By doing this, he removes the "ruach rah" from his hands before going to the bathroom and thus avoids transferring it to his sexual organ when he relieves himself.

There will be setbacks along the way, but they are a part of the cleansing process. If your will is strong, with the help of G-d, and the tikunim, you will surely succeed. When you find yourself alone, converse freely with G-d (it may feel awkward the first few times), and state that even though your still err again and again, your true heart's desire is to do His will and get closer to Him.

You are not alone. Many of your friends and neighbors (even after marriage) have the exact some struggle. Don't stop yearning for rectification, even if takes years and years.