By Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu, Former Chief Rabbi of Israel, excerpted from his book, “Darkei Taharah,” Chapters 19-24.

Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 1
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 2
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 3
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 4
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 5
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 6
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 7

The Mitzvah of “Ona”
Regarding a man’s duties toward his wife, it is written in the Torah, “Her food, her clothing, and her conjugal rights (her ‘Ona’), he shall not diminish” (Shemot, 21:10).

THE LAWS OF MARITAL RELATIONS  - PART 2

THE MITZVAH OF "ONA"

Regarding a man’s duties toward his wife, it is written in the Torah, “Her food, her clothing, and her conjugal rights (her ‘Ona’), he shall not diminish” (Shemot, 21:10). The Talmud clarifies that “her Ona” refers to marital relations (Ketubot 37B, see Rashi). The measure of this Torah obligation has been set forth by the Sages, according to the strength and occupation of the man:

A man who doesn’t have to work hard for a living, is obligated to have daily relations with his wife during the time she is permitted to him. Men who have to work strenuously, but sleep at home, are commanded twice a week. Husbands who travel to other cities to work (on donkeys), but return home at night, are commanded once a week. Workers who must travel from their homes for days on end (in camel and caravan times), are commanded once a month. Workers (like sea merchants) who have to travel to other countries and who are away from home for long periods, are commanded once every six months.

The obligation for a Torah scholar is once a week, and this is most appropriate on Sabbath night because of its exalted holiness. In doing so, he also performs the mitzvah of “Oneg Shabbat” (enjoying the Sabbath) for both he and his wife.
In our times, the types of occupations have changed, but the principles are the same, and a husband should engage in marital relations according to his occupation and strength.

The Rabbis have determined that, in our times, men who learn Torah should have relations twice a week, like workers who work in their home towns. One of those times should be Sabbath night (Mishna Berurah, 230:6). The strength of the man is the determining factor, and he should conduct himself in these guidelines, with all of his doings for the sake of Heaven (Orach Chaim,230:1).

There are special occasions when a man must engage in relations with his wife, and these times are also included in the mitzvah of “Ona.” They are: the night of her mikvah immersion; the night before he leaves for a journey, and some say the night he returns; and the nights whenever he notices that she desires his attention in this regard.

The mitzvah of “Ona” is not dependent on the mitzvah of having children. Therefore, even if the wife is pregnant, or nursing, or is unable to give birth, a husband is still commanded in this mitzvah, even if he is a Torah scholar and “Hasid” (noted for his saintliness).

The opposite is also the case – that even if a wife should exempt her husband from marital relations, he is not exempt from the mitzvah of having children.

A person who cannot perform the mitzvah of “Ona” due to weakness, illness, or similar reasons, is exempt from having relations, but he must please his wife with loving words and actions. And when his strength returns, he must then have relations. The same holds true for the wife if she is feeling weak.

Every man can take upon himself the more stringent ways of Torah scholars regarding the mitzvah of “Ona,” and this is not considered arrogance, but it must be with the agreement of his wife.

Even someone who has already fulfilled the mitzvah of having children may not travel for extended times away from home,  and thus not perform the mitzvah of “Ona” without the consent of his wife. Even if she gives her permission, it is not fitting that he be away for more than a month. In this case, he should be away a month and at home for a month. Only if he has a special reason for being away can he extend his absence, but only with the consent of his wife.

One who leaves on a trip, or returns, and his wife is “niddah,” he must make her feel good with words and gestures of affection. And if his wife is in her pure state, yet close to her "veset" (menstruation) he should please her with loving words. If she is not satisfied with this, he is obligated to fulfill his marital duties.

THE MITZVAH TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY

The first commandment given to man was “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it (Bereshit,1:28). This is a very important mitzvah. In the course of this mitzvah, a man becomes a partner with the Holy One Blessed Be He in the creation of man, and helps bring to perfection the intention of  Creation, as it says: “He did not create it a waste land, He formed it to be inhabited” (Isaiah, 45:18). Every man is obligated to marry in order to perform this mitzvah, for anyone who does not occupy himself with reproducing the species is like one who commits murder. It is as if he minimizes the grandeur of G-d, and causes the Shechinah (Divine Presence) to flee from the Jewish People. So great is this commandment that a Torah scroll is not sold except to learn Torah or to get married.

A man is considered to have fulfilled this mitzvah when he has fathered at least one boy and one girl. If he has several boys, but no girls, or several girls but no boys, he is not considered to have performed the commandment. Even after he has fathered a boy and a girl, he is still commanded to have more children.

BIRTH CONTROL

Someone who has already fulfilled the commandment of having children, and who wants to engage in the mitzvah of Ona, and have relations with his wife at the proper time, yet doesn’t want to perform the mitzvah of having more children at this time; or who wants to stop having more children for a period of time between births to give his wife time to rest and recover her strength – he should not use birth control means relying on his own opinion. Rather, he must seek the advice of a doctor regarding the medical need, if they exist, for postponing further pregnancies, and regarding the different means of birth control suited for her. After this consultation, he must confer with an authorized Torah scholar, to determine if it is permitted for his wife to prevent another pregnancy, and, if so, to learn what means of birth control is permitted, and for how long a time.

A man should not decide this matter on his own. Nor should a woman rely on the ruling that a Torah scholar gave to her friend, because there are many details to consider, and differences in each case. A means of birth control for one woman may be dangerous for another, and not everything permitted to one woman may be permitted to her friend. In addition, the choice of the wrong means of birth control could bring the husband to spill his seed in vain, and this is a very grave transgression, to the extent that the Talmud compares it with murder (Niddah 13A; Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer, 23).

If someone decides this matter by himself, this is a criminal transgression.

Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 1
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 2
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 3
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 4
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 5
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 6
Laws of Marital Relations (Rabbi M. Eliahu) - Part 7