"Igeret Hakodesh" Of The Ramban
The Holiness Of Marital Relations
(Abridged for the Internet)
Introduction
The famous "Letter of the Ramban to his Son" has become a standard addition to most prayer books. Like the Rambam, he was a practicing physician. After his triumphant defense of the Jewish Faith in a public disputation with an apostate in Spain, he journeyed to the Land of Israel and helped revitalize the Jewish community in Jerusalem, after the Holy City had been destroyed by the Mongols. In his "Igeret Hakodesh," he brings both his medical and mystical knowledge to shed light on the holiness of the marital union.
Igeret Hakodesh
Please know, my brother, that our nation, the nation of Israel, is special to the Holy One Blessed Be He, and separated from all other nations by His holy Torah, just as He is separated from all things in His essence, as it says, "I will separate you from all other nations to be Mine" (Leviticus, 2:26).
As you know, a servant is to behave in the manner of his master. And Hashem is our master, and we are His servants. Just as He is supremely holy, He has commanded us to be holy, as it says, "Sanctify yourselves and be holy" (Leviticus, 11:44).
Since in all of our deeds we are to resemble Hashem, praised be He, when we do what is good and upright, we sanctify His great Name, because we are His nation. However, when we act in an improper and corrupted manner, we bring disgrace to His great Name. Thus, because we are to resemble Him, the Sanctification of His Name and the Desecration of His Name are dependent upon us.
This being the case, a man must sanctify himself during marital relations. This sanctification has five divisions:
- First - The Essence of the Marital Union
- Second - The Time of the Union
- Third - Nutrition Beneficial to the Union
- Fourth - Intention of the Union
- Fifth - Quality of the Union
First - The Essence Of The Marital Union
Just like a person's hands are honored and praiseworthy when he writes a Torah scroll, and dishonored when he performs some vile act, so were the sexual organs of Adam and his wife pure before their transgression. -- When a husband couples with his wife in holiness, the Shechinah rests between them. -- The proper holy union of a husband and wife is like the Creation of heaven and earth.
Know that this union is a holy and pure thing when it is properly conducted in the proper time, and with the proper intention. A person should not think that in this proper union there is something ugly or degrading, G-d forbid. The proper union is called "knowing" from the word "Daat" meaning knowledge, as it says, "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife" (Shmuel 1: 1:19). The use of this word is not happenstance, for the secret of the matter is that when the seminal seed is brought forth in holiness and purity, it is brought forth from the place of Daat (knowledge) and Binah (understanding) centered in the brain. If this act did not possess great holiness, this union would not have been called Daat. Hashem, may He be praised, has created everything according to His wisdom, and has not created things to be ugly or shameful.... He created man and woman, and created each and every organ and their functions, and there is nothing degrading in this.
The Holy One, Blessed Be He, is true and wholesome in all of His ways, and any ugliness is completely on the part of man. There is nothing in any of man's organs which is faulty or ugly regarding their creation, for everything is derived from an exalted wisdom, insuring perfection, goodness, and beauty. However, man's foolish behavior brings degradation to things that were originally created without ugliness. This must be understood thoroughly.
Behold, the hidden meaning of the "knowing" at which I am hinting is a secret, for in his inner essence, a man encompasses wisdom, understanding, and knowledge (Chochmah, Binah, Daat), for man is the secret of Chochmah, woman is the secret of Binah, and the purity of the marital union is the secret of Daat. This is the secret of a man and a woman according to the esoteric inner understanding of the Kabbalah. Thus the marital union is a most exalted matter, as is fitting.
Our Sages of blessed memory have said that at the time when a man unites with his wife in holiness, the Shechinah [Divine Presence] rests between them. If a man and a woman are heated with lust, the Shechinah flees from them, leaving only fire in its place. This was explained in the Talmud (Sotah 17A): "Rabbi Akiva taught that if a man and woman are meritorious, the Shechinah is with them. If they are not meritorious, a fire consumes them."
Rather, it must be understood that when the marital union is performed for the sake of Heaven, then there is nothing holier or more wholesome than this. Therefore, it is written regarding the union of Tzaddikim, "Before you were formed in the womb I knew you" (Yirmeyahu, 1:8). However, in the case of a licentious evildoer, the seminal seed is completely impure and the Name of Hashem is not attached to it, as it says, "Their offspring are evildoers from the womb" (Psalms, 54:4).
Contrary to this, our Sages of blessed memory taught that when the marital union is performed in the proper manner, it resembles the Creation of heaven and earth, as it says, "The saying of the L-rd, Who stretches out the heavens and lays the foundations of the earth, and forms the spirit of man within him" (Zechariah, 12:1), and "And has founded His bundle in the earth" (Amos, 9:6). He and His court joined together to create man. This is the secret of "Let us make man in our likeness" (Genesis, 1:26). That is to say, I am also a partner in the creation of a man, for the mother and father contribute the bodily aspect, and Hashem Blessed Be He provides the soul (Niddah 31A).
Now that we have informed you about the secret of the essence of the marital union, we will clarify the second aspect, which is the opposite of the first. For when a man does not have the intention that the act be for the sake of Heaven, then the seminal seed which is brought forth is a putrid drop to which the Name of G-d is not attached. A union of this nature is called "corrupted its way on the earth" (Genesis, 6:12). And behold he exerts himself for naught. And it is as if he planted an ashera tree (used for idol worship) and sacrifices calves to idol worship, in that his seed is rotten, and his seminal drop is cast away to a patch of painful thorns.
Referring to him, it is said, "The wicked are estranged from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4). Behold, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded in the Torah, "And you shall be holy to me, for I the L-rd am holy" (Leviticus, 20:26).
Second - The Time Of The Marital Union
It is not fitting for a man to be with his wife like a rooster. -- The time for the marital union is divided into three. The first depends on the proper days. The second depends on the proper time as it relates to food. The third depends on the proper hour. -- This is the secret of what our Rabbis, of blessed memory, have taught us, that whomever positions his bed in a north-south direction will have male children.
Know that a man's semen is the life of his body and the light of his splendor, for this is the most refined and choicest aspect of his blood, without which he would not be a man. Behold, the semen is a part of the body, containing a part of every organ. For as it is known, an ear cannot give birth to an eye, nor an eye to an ear, rather each organ gives rise to its kind; just like peas won't sprout from wheat, nor a donkey, bull, or goat from the semen of a man. Every organ and species has its own unique nature and life forces which give birth to it. And since the semen contains a part of every organ of the body, it is not appropriate for a man to be always with his wife like a rooster. For this will diminish his life force, and the light in his eyes will wane, and all of his body will weaken.
However, when marital relations are performed at the proper time, which is on Sabbath night, and then again on the next Sabbath night... then one coupling will strengthen the next, and the man will experience no weakness whatsoever, for his strength is constantly regenerated. This is the reason the verse says, "that brings forth its fruit in its time," meaning from one Sabbath night, then the next, and after this it says, "and his leaf will not wither," meaning that this will not cause him weakness. And this is followed by "and everything he does will be successful," meaning that the marital union, when performed for the sake of Heaven, will achieve the desired results.
The reason the proper time is on Sabbath night and not again until the next Sabbath night is because the Sabbath is the foundation of the world, resembling the soul to the body. The Sabbath is dedicated to Hashem, as it says, "Sabbath to the L-rd" (Shemot, 20:10), meaning that this is the proper time for Torah scholars, from one Sabbath night to the next, in order to give birth to children who are inclined to the service of G-d, possessors of exaltedly pure and intelligent souls.
This is the inner meaning of "And on the seventh day, He rested and was refreshed" (Shemot, 31:17), referring to the proper time of relations for Torah scholars. Understand this well, because their time [for marital union] was not set for the days of physical exertion - the other six days of the week - but rather for the day which is completely Sabbath rest, pertaining to the world of souls.
Having clarified this, we will now explain why we wrote that the time for marital relations has three divisions:
- the proper days
- the proper time as it relates to food
- the proper hour
Know that the food that a person eats goes through three processes in the body, and during the fourth process, it is transformed into semen or what is called "white blood" which gives vitality to the body.
If a man has marital relations near the time that he ate, at this time the metabolism is naturally heated and the blood is not clear and refined. Therefore the semen that is brought forth at this time is dirty, putrid and polluted. It is neither clean nor pure. Thus the fetus that is formed from such semen is vile and polluted at its root. Regarding this it is said, "Behold he travails with iniquity, and has conceived with mischief, and brings forth falsehood" (Psalms, 7:15), and also, "The wicked are estranged from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4).
Regarding this, our Sages of blessed memory taught, "Abba Benyamin says, All of my life, I took great pains about two matters - that my prayer should be before my bed, and that my bed should be placed north and south" (Berachot 5B)... "Rabbi Yitzhak says, Everyone who places his bed in the direction of north and south will have male children, as it says, And with Your treasure (lit. Your north) You fill their belly; they will have a bounty of sons (Psalms, 17:14). Rabbi Nachman ben Yitzhak says, His wife will also not miscarry, as it says here, And with Your treasure (lit. Your north), You fill their belly; and elsewhere it is written, And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold there were twins in her belly (Genesis, 25:24).
I must clarify this matter, for surely there is no one so foolish who believes that just by placing a bed in a north-south direction that a person will merit male children, or that his wife would not have a miscarriage. Even more startling, these things were said by the pillars of the world, wise and understanding men.
The Sages disguised their inner meaning by using the opposites of north and south for the extremities of hot and cold. The understanding is that a man should engage in marital relations when his bodily metabolism is neither too hot, nor too cold, but rather between the two. This way, he will feel rested, and he will not eject his semen in a rush. He will be able to have relations in an unhurried manner, and his wife will reach her satisfaction first.
In this manner, the wife's seed will be prepared for the husband, like material prepared for building. Then when the semen of the husband comes, it is like the builder who comes and shapes the prepared material into the form of the building.... From this we can understand the secret why someone who places his bed in a north-south direction will merit to have male children. The time when the body is neither too hot, nor too cold, is in the middle of the night when the heat of the body generated from the evening meal has had a chance to be digested and to cool down. At this time, the body's metabolism is calm and temperate. The intention then in saying between north and south was that the body should be between cold and hot.
For it is known that a person who is born from a drop of cold semen will always be slow-witted and foolish. And someone who is born from a drop of hot semen will be quick-tempered and prone to anger. However, someone who is born from a drop of semen of moderate temperature, between hot and cold, will always be a wise person, calm in reasoning, thoughtful, noble in spirit, and liked by his fellow man. Regarding this, it says, "If though will give to Thy handmaid a man child" (Shmuel 1, 1:11). And our Sages of blessed memory have explained this as, "Neither too tall, nor too short, neither too thin, nor too fat, neither too pale, nor too red, neither too clever, nor stupid." (Berachot 31B). This comes to teach that all of a man's attributes will be balanced when his nature is temperate between hot and cold, and this is the secret of between north and south, and the secret of having male children, as we have explained.
Third - The Proper Food
From the verse, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works," we know that the ritual slaughtering of animals for human consumption is a compassionate act, for the animal's betterment. -- It is fitting that a man eat proper and nutritious foods, things that will cleanse, refine, and purify the blood. -- If a man distances himself from damaging foods, he will have upright, holy, and pure children.
Know that a man's physical state depends on the food he eats. And behold, Hashem, whose every deed is just, commanded that animals be ritually slaughtered for human consumption. Why should this be when we could live well on fruits and vegetables? Why should He readily forfeit the lives of animals and cause them great suffering?
It is a fundamental principle of life that Hashem, may He be blessed, is good to every creature and is merciful to everything that He created, as it says, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works," (Psalms, 145:9). It follows from this that man's ritually slaughtering and eating of animals is for their betterment. I will explain.
It is known that the food that a person eats goes to his stomach, and then descends to his upper colon. From there, the liver extracts the healthy and choice portions, the nutritious, and the clean and refined, and the remainder is separated to the lower colon and excreted by the bowels. The portion that the liver extracts is returned and reprocessed, and the blood is cleaned and is circulated back to the heart.
The heart then sends the blood to all of the organs. In the organs, the blood undergoes another processing, specific to each organ, so that elements of flesh are incorporated into flesh, fats into fat, sinews into sinews, elements of bone into bones, and thus the body is nourished. In this manner, an animal that has been ritually slaughtered and eaten by man benefits by his being slaughtered, for it has been raised up from the physical status of an animal to the physical status of a man. In this same manner, minerals, plants, and animals are all elevated, stage after stage, to higher levels of existence, as it says, "The L-rd is good to all, and merciful in all of His works."
Given this introduction, we understand that the blood brings nourishment to the body and is incorporated into it, and that the blood is itself influenced by the food that the body consumes. If the food is heavy and unrefined, the blood will be heavy and unrefined. And if the food is clean and pure, then the blood will be the same.
Therefore, the L-rd, blessed be He, in His holy Torah, distanced us from certain forbidden foods by prohibiting us from consuming them. Some of them dull the heart like chelev [certain fats] and blood. Some cause in a person the characteristic of brazenness, like wild animals and birds of prey. Some shut the doors of understanding and wisdom, like the rabbit, hare, pig, and their like. Some cause severe and damaging illnesses, like creatures that creep on land and in the sea.
In summary, regarding all of these, it says, "You shall not make yourselves abominable" (Leviticus, 11:43). Behold, it is known that all of these detestable and disgusting things give rise to bad blood that is destined to bring about devastating consequences.
And behold, when the Sages said that a man must sanctify himself at the time of marital relations (Shavuot 18B), know that eating the proper food is a part of this sanctification.
And now I will put in your hand a great key. Know that since the matter is as we have explained, this is the reason that Hashem placed the Torah portion, "If a woman has conceived seed and given birth to a male child" (Leviticus, 12:1), next to the Torah portion dealing with forbidden foods (which immediately precedes it). Following it comes the portion dealing with leprosy.
There are marvelous secrets why these three sections are positioned one next to the other. The section "If a woman has conceived seed and given birth to a male child" is placed in the middle to teach that if a man separates himself from evil foods, he will have pure, holy, and wholesome sons. However, if he doesn't keep away from eating forbidden foods, then his children will suffer diseases due to the evil nature of the impregnating seed which was derived from these abominable foods.
Therefore, a man is to sanctify himself by eating wholesome foods in the meal preceding marital relations, so that the seminal seed will be refined and pure, and of average temperature between north and south, as we have learned. For we have established that the consistency of blood depends on the food which has gone into producing it, and that the semen will be like the blood, and that the offspring will be like the semen. This follows from what we have said that a horse will not give birth to an eagle, and peas will not sprout from wheat. Similarly it is said that foul and polluted semen will give rise to offspring whose blood is vile and loathsome, as it says, "Whose offspring is evil from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4).
Behold, in this section, we have alerted you to the proper manner of nutrition. Now we must add that even from the proper food, a person should not overindulge himself and fill up his belly.
Fourth - The Required Intention
There is a great secret in what our Sages have taught us that the thought of a sin is worse than the sin itself. - Every man must cleanse his thoughts and imagination, and refine them at the time of the marital union, and not think about lascivious and sinful matters, G-d forbid. Rather, his thoughts should concentrate on holy matters, and on holy tzaddikim, men of knowledge and wisdom.
You must know a great secret regarding what our Rabbis of blessed memory said that the thought of a sin is worse than the sin itself (Yoma 29A). Behold, I will illuminate your eyes with matters that are among the mysteries of the world, matters which are hidden away in several inner chambers.
Know that the blessed L-rd, the all-knowledgeable One, designed His works in perfect wisdom, and gave to all things in nature the ability to function in a fixed order, without alteration, in a miraculous way. And behold, He gave man the power of imagination, and the ability to create the thing he imagines. This is something known to the students of nature as well.
And behold, when a man couples with his wife, if his imagination and thoughts are focused on the faculties of wisdom and understanding, and on proper and wholesome character traits, then the imaginative faculty of his thoughts has the power to shape the form of the drop of semen according to what he thinks at the time of the union. This is a clear and certain fact. It is the secret of the "rods of green poplar..." and of, "And the flocks conceived before the rods" (Genesis, 30:37-39).
In this same light, this is what our Rabbis of blessed memory meant in describing how "Rabbi Yochanan was accustomed to go and sit at the gates of the ritual bathing house. He said: When the daughters of Israel come up from the bathing, they look at me and they have sons as comely as I am" (Berachot 20A). Just reflect on this extraordinary scene, how when a woman coming out of the ritual bath would catch sight of this saintly figure and impress his beauty in her thoughts. Then, when she coupled with her husband, the fetus would receive its form from the impression made by the picture in her mind of the tzaddik. Thus we learn that the imaginative faculty has great power, and that fantasy and thought bear a direct influence on the fetus, as we have explained.
Behold, the imagination and one's thoughts cause one's offspring to be saintly or wicked, like the influence of foods. Therefore, every man must cleanse his thoughts and imagination, and refine them at the time of the marital union, and not think about lascivious and sinful matters, G-d forbid. Rather, his thoughts should concentrate on holy matters, and on holy tzaddikim, men of knowledge and wisdom. For these thoughts will impress themselves on the seminal seed and shape its form during the marital union.
Also the wife should have joyous thoughts, concentrating on things that bring joy to the heart, so that she too will be in unison with her husband in sharing clean and pure intentions. In this way, they will be united in the mitzvah, bonded in their minds, the Shechinah will rest between them, and they will give birth to a son, formed in the image of their thoughts.
Do not think that this is an incredulous, wondrous matter, for it is a simple natural phenomenon known to the scholars who have studied these things - that the characteristics of a child, whether good or bad, are directly influenced by the thoughts of the mother and father at the time of their marital union.
A proof has already been given (Midrash Tanchumin, Naso, 7), in the account of the queen who gave birth to a black child, even though she and the king were both white and exceedingly comely. The king thought to kill her for being an adulterer until a wise man suggested that perhaps she thought about a black man at the time of their marital relations. An examination revealed that black designs had been painted on the panels of their bedroom. The queen confessed that she would gaze up and muse over them during their relations. This is similar to the incident of the rods (that our forefather Yaakov placed in front of the coupling sheep).
In summary, if a man thinks upon wholesome and pure matters at the time of the marital union, these pure thoughts will be stamped on the seminal seed, and subsequently on the son born from such a union, insuring that he will grow up to be righteous in his ways. This is the inner meaning of the verse, "Before I formed you in the womb..." (Yirmeyahu, 1:5). This is so because when the good thought precedes the shaping of the embryo, then the Shechinah becomes a partner with the pure intention. For our Sages of blessed memory have said that the Holy One, Blessed Be He, attaches good intentions to the deed (Kiddushin 40A).
If, however, a man thinks about a vile and sinful matter, then the resulting fetus will have an evil and ugly foundation, and is destined to be despicable and wicked in his ways, as it says, "Whose offspring is wicked from the womb" (Psalms, 58:4).
And I am obligated to enlighten you on a great principle of the Torah, and of our Rabbis of blessed memory who said, "G-d makes the lonely ones dwell in a house" (Psalms, 68:7), and in their saying, "Everyone who marries a woman for her beauty, a month doesn't go by without a sword consuming him" (Kiddushin 70A, varying version), as it says, "They have dealt traitorously with the L-rd, for they have begotten foreign children" (Hoshea, 5:7).
The great secret of this matter is that should a man marry a woman for her beauty, then his coupling with her will not be for the sake of Heaven, for he will think about her physical beauty and form, and not focus his thoughts on pure and lofty matters. Therefore the child that is born from these physical thoughts will be a strange and foreign child. This is the meaning of, "They have dealt traitorously with the L-rd, for they have begotten foreign children." The Name of G-d will not be attached to them. They are traitors of Hashem, and the Shechinah flees from them.
Fifth - The Quality Of The Union
It is known that every saintly and modest man speaks in a gentle, patient, and pleasant voice, avoiding grandiose proclamations. And when he walks, he walks humbly with a lowered head. He is similarly modest in all of his ways. The wicked man is the exact opposite. Behold, it is important to note that a man's hands and his mouth, although they are considered clean organs, they can do ugly things. How much more damage can be done with an organ and a deed that can be so easily made ugly if used in an improper fashion. How much more thoughtful a man must be in these matters.
Therefore, during the time that a man is having relations with his wife, he should carefully guard against foolish levity and speech.
He might tell her about saintly and modest women, who gave birth to sons known for their piety, Torah scholarship, and fear of G-d, like the saintly Kimchit who merited seven sons who all served as High Priest. The Sages asked her how she merited this great honor, and she answered that even the beams of her house never saw her hair uncovered. Her saintly and distinguished children were the reward for her modesty and her upright deeds (Yoma 47A).
Marital relations should be in the middle of the night, or afterward, as it is taught: "In the third watch of the night, babies nurse at their mother's breast, and a wife ‘converses' with her husband" (Berachot 3A). To sum up, when you are certain that you are in the proper frame of mind to have relations, make certain that your wife is in the proper mental bond with you. And when you are coupled, don't rush to arouse her desire, in order that she will have the time to settle her mind on the proper intentions.
In all of the things we have told you, you should understand certain matters that we have not stated openly. You should join everything together, and use your own wisdom to understand the proper way to conduct the marital union, behaving even more modestly than all of the modest qualities that characterize your other doings, such as eating, drinking, and speaking with people. This is because your modesty and your thoughts during the marital act are what determine the quality and spiritual make-up of your drops of semen.
This is the secret of the verse, "These are the generations Yitzhak, son of Avraham...." (Genesis, 25:19). After the Holy One, Blessed Be He, told him that his wife Sarah would give birth to a son, at the time of their union, Avraham concentrated his mind, and all of his noble qualities, on a supremely transcendental intention. Attaching his thoughts to the most exalted spiritual worlds, he infused his mind with the intention of having a son who would be worthy of G-d's promise. This is the secret of, "Avraham gave birth to Yitzhak," meaning he concentrated on having a son who would be a complete tzaddik like himself....
This is how all other saintly men conduct themselves, for in performing the marital act for the sake of the mitzvah, attaching their thoughts at the time of the union to the most exalted spiritual worlds, they bring forth children possessing the kernels of holiness, purity, and saintly behavior.
And this is why it is written, "These are the generations of Peretz: Peretz gave birth to Chetzron, and Chetzron begot Ram, and Ram begot Amminadav, and Amminadov begot Nachshon, and Nachshon begot Salma, and Salma begot Boaz, and Boaz begot Oved, and Oved begot Yishay, and Yishay begot David (Ruth, 4:18). For, in being a complete tzaddik, Peretz had the intention of giving birth to a tzaddik like himself. This is the secret of "Peretz gave birth to Chatzron," continuing on until "Yishay begot David," a tzaddik giving birth to a tzaddik.
This comes to tell us that it was not accidental that G-d chose his servant, David, to rule as king over Israel, for he was the pinnacle of a chain of ten generations of complete tzaddikim, one more exalted than the next. This resembles the ten sefirot in the secret of their elevation, one upon the other, joined in the secret of ten, the Hebrew letter yud, which encompasses all the numbers preceding it, for from Peretz to David, there are ten ascending stages of tzaddik ben tzaddik.
And now, meditate on the secret of these matters. If you practice them like I have set forth, I promise you that you will give birth to a righteous tzaddik who will sanctify the Name of G-d.
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