Jewish Sexuality dot Com

Question:

I have heard that a husband should try to give his wife pleasure.  Does that mean to make her have an orgasm orto just be sensitive to her needs without necessarily bringing her to orgasm? Withus, it can take ages before my wife feels relaxed enough to enjoy things. Canthe husband massage her organ with his fingers in order to give her pleasure?Also, sometimes I notice a that a drop of clear fluid comes out of my membereven before relations begin, as if it is some kind of natural lubricant. Isthis considered like the spilling of semen in vain?

Answer:

A husband has the important and holy duty of making his wife enjoy the marital union. This is an integral part of the mitzvah of "Onata." This includes getting her in the mood by doing things she likes and speaking lovingly to her before relations begin, and bringing her to a climax during relations whenever possible. Very often, a woman is more turned on by the emotional and loving element of the marital union than the physical side. She should feel loved and appreciated, and not like a mere female body to satisfy his needs. Try taking her out to dinner beforehand, or even treating her to a night in a hotel to add romance to the routine. At the very least, a husband should engage his wife in conversation, dedicating to her his time and interest, and discussing whatever issues arise.

You wrote: "It can take ages before my wife feels relaxed enough..." Some husbands think that the wife's climax is achieved through his ability to arouse her physically - just the way he gets aroused. But nothing could be further from the truth. With physical stimulation alone, the wife, unlike the husband, will rarely reach climax. A husband must express to her his appreciation for her, and explicitly tell her that he loves her several times a day. What better time to praise his wife and remark about her inner and physical beauty, than before engaging in intimacy. For example, a husband can instruct his wife to her lay on her stomach as he massages her back side and feet, all along while talking to her and whispering in her ear. He should tell her that the most important thing for him in the world is for her to feel relaxed and feel the great love he has for her. Insist verbally on pampering her to show how much you appreciate her.

If the husband finishes first, he should endeavor to have relations a second time, in order that his wife climax before he does the second time.  Her climaxing before him is a segula (special charm) for having male offspring. He is also allowed to use his fingers to bring her pleasure, as in clitoral stimulation.

Regarding the clear fluid you have noticed: In the writings of the Arizal, "Taamei HaMitzvot," Parshat Noach, it states:

"And also the clear drops that are discharged from a man before the union, they are included in shikvat zera l'vatala (spilling semen in vain), and a great tikun is needed, and the tikun for this sin we have written in "Shaar Ruach HaKodesh, Shaar Yichudim, Tikun Avanot."

Therefore, while it is important that the husband proceed patiently and take the time in foreplay to please his wife, he should be careful that he doesn't spill drops of semen in vain due to his becoming overly aroused before the actual union.