Dear Katie and fellow wives of addicts,

Whilst starting a 'new' life might be what you want. It is vital that you understand how to get it. Katie, congratulations for being so strong, but it wouldn't work with every man and it didn't work with mine. Furthermore I never really had the strength to pick up and leave - the kids were small and I was neurotic. Truth be known, if an affair would have come my way - I probably would have taken it - I was so needy and desparate for someone. Thank goodness it didn't!! Furthermore I dreamed of having another more loving and attentive man. I approached a solicitor 3 times with the view of divorcing - but something always delayed it - and I just never had the strength - again Baruch Hashem for that - because if I had I'll tell you what I would have done.

Believe it or not I would have attracted the same kind of man!! Only worse, he wouldn't be the childrens father!! How do I know this??
Because I hadn't at that stage gone through a process of reflection and understood what it was about me that landed me where I was. (Please note I'm not suggesting here that the woman is in any way to blame for what has happened). What I am suggesting is that the esteem in which you hold yourself does influence things and the source of 'low self esteem' is often the result of coming from a dysfunctional family yourself. Take me, my Father never spoke to me or acknowledged me as a child, except when I got my head in the way of the TV! I never had a positive male role model - so I never knew what it was to be treated with respect and held in high regard.

Now that I understand so much more about myself I have been able to address this problem. I have surrounded myself with female friends who value me and show they think a lot of me personally. I've also completed a degree which has boosted my self esteem and confidence.

With this approach - you are working on all areas of your life and it challenges the damaging belief that having a man is everything and you must go out and get another one - because your looking good and you can get one or whatever.

If you love your husband but deplore what he does - then by showing him you've changed, that your a strong person who doesn't entertain sexual deviation of any sort, by showing him you daven regularly and are moving ahead with your life - you will eventually wake him from his slumber and get your husband back. Tell him everyday (at least 3 times) that what he is doing is wrong - don't give up on this. And don't keep his secret (remember you have nothing to be ashamed of) - tell his Rabbi or equivalent.

Getting your husband back will mean he will fall before he rises. The truth of what he has done will be so awful that he will become ill and you may well find yourself (like me) having to look after him because no one else will and because he's the Father of your children.

Esther
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable