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The “Kitzur Shulchan Aruch” is a concise compilation of Jewish laws and customs, composed by Rabbi Shlomo Ganzfried. While it is not meant to replace the definitive multi-volume opus of Jewish law, the “Shulchan Aruch” of Rabbi Yosef Caro, it is a handy guide for the layman who wants to know the basic halachah concerning matters of everyday life and the Jewish holidays.
The following chapter deals with the laws of marital relations. Readers who are interested in learning the halachah on this subject in greater depth are encouraged to read the Laws of Marital Relations, compiled by Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu, also posted on this website.
While certain laws written here sound anything but romantic, nonetheless, marital relations are meant to be a loving and pleasurable bonding of husband and wife. But if the husband engages in the act just for his own personal enjoyment, without concern for his wife’s enjoyment, then he debases their lovemaking, and he is not performing this holy mitzvah as G-d intended. In fact, before he is allowed to reach his own personal satisfaction, Jewish law requires that he must first be sure to satisfy his wife.
“Kitzur Shuchan Aruch”
Laws of Marital Relations
150:1
It is proper for a man to accustom himself to supreme holiness and pure thoughts during marital relations. He shouldn't be light-headed with his wife nor befoul his mouth with crude words even in private conversation with her. For it's written, ''and declares to man what is his conversation'' (Amos, 3:13), and our sages, may their memory be blessed, said that on the Day of Judgment a man is reminded even of casual conversations he had with his wife (Chagigah 5B). He shouldn't talk to her during marital relations, and not immediately before it, except what is needed for the sake of the act. If he is angry with her, when it is forbidden to have marital relations with her, and he may speak kind words to her, in order to appease her. The marital relations should be conducted as modestly as possible. The husband underneath and the wife on top, is considered an impudent act. Relations at the same level, side by side, is the way of perversion. They said concerning Rabbi Eliezer, that he would have relations in such dread and fear that it appeared as if a demon were forcing him to do it (Nedarim 20B).
150:2
During marital relations he should occupy himself with Torah matters and other holy subjects, and even though he's forbidden to utter holy words, thinking is allowed and even meritorious.
150:3
It's forbidden to have relations by light, even though the light is blocked by means of a garment, but if one makes a partition ten hand-breadths high (forty inches) in front of the light, it is permitted. Similarly, it is forbidden to have relations in the day, unless the room is darkened. At night, if the moon is shining directly on them, it is forbidden, but if the light does not shine directly on them, it is permissible if the light is shut ourt by a garment. Similarly, if there is a light from a different room, and it shines into their room, one needs to shade it out by a garment or other partition.
150:4
It's forbidden to a man to have relations in the presence of any person who is awake, even if there's a partition ten hand-breadths high between them. Before a baby that doesn't yet know how to talk, it is permitted.
150:5
It's forbidden to look at the sexual organ of his wife, for whoever looks there has no shame, and transgresses (the mitzvah) of behaving modestly. For a person who has a feeling of shame won’t come to sin, as it's written: ''For the sake that His fear will be before you (this refers to bashfulness) so that you don’t sin” (Shemot, 20:17). Also desiring this stimulates the evil inclination in one's soul. Certainly, one who kisses this place violates all of this, and in addition transgresses, “You shall not make yourselves detestable” (Vayikra, 11:43).
150:6
In a room where there is a Torah scroll, it is forbidden to have relations; rather one needs to take it out to another room. If there is no other room, he must make a partition in front of it ten hand-breadths high. This should be a solid partition, so that one won't see the Torah scroll. A curtain around the bed isn't considered as a partition, because it's moveable, unless one ties it from the bottom. Tefillin, Chumashim (Bibles), and other holy books, such as Gemara and Midrashim and their commentaries, whether they are hand written or printed, must be placed in a double container, in inside the other, as long as the second container is not specially for them. However, containers which are specially fashioned for them even if there are ten, they are all considered as one. If one spread some kind of cover over a chest containing the books, this is considered as a double container. Similarly, if a mezuzah is fixed inside the room, it needs to be covered with two coverings, so that it will be like a double container. The holy name, Shaddai, must also be covered. A glass container isn't sufficient since the covering must not be transparent.
150:7
One shouldn't be unduly familiar with one's wife, except at the times appointed for him to carry out his marital duty to her (see Ketubot 61B), as it's written: ''Her duty of marriage he shall not diminish'' (Shemot, 21:10). Men who are healthy and enjoy the pleasures of life, who make a profitable living locally, and don't pay (high) taxes, should perform their marital duty nightly. Laborers who do their work in the towns where they reside, should perform their marital duty twice a week. If they work in another city, their duty is once a week. Similarly, the merchants who go out to the villages with donkeys to bring produce to sell, and others like them, should perform their marital duty once a week. Those who bring goods on camels from distant places, they should perform their marital duty once a month. The time for Torah sages is every Shabbat night. One needs to fulfill her conjugal rights also when she is pregnant or nursing. One must not deprive her except with her permission, and when he has already fulfilled the mitzvah of ''be fruitful and multiply.'' If he deprives his wife in order to afflict her, he transgresses a negative commandment, ''her rights of marriage shall he not diminish.''
150:8
Every man needs to have relations with his wife on the night of her ritual immersion, and on the night before he goes on a journey, unless he departs on a sacred mission. A husband who sees that his wife is coquetting and puts on make-up for him, in order to draw his attention to her because of her desire, he is obliged to visit her even if it's not her usual time, and he will be awarded with upright sons. However, if she demand it openly, she is being brazen, and is considered like a harlot, and it is forbidden to have relations with her.
150:9
When having marital relations, his intention should not be to satisfy his personal pleasure, rather to fulfill his marital obligation, like one paying a debt, and to comply with the commandment of his Creator, and that he have children who busy themselves with the study of Torah and the practice of its precepts. Also, it is proper to think of improving the fetus, for our sages, may their memory be blessed, said that in the first three months (of pregnancy) marital relations is difficult for the woman and difficult for the fetus; in the middle three months it is hard for the woman and good for the fetus; and during the last 3 months, good for the woman and good for the fetus, for due to this the child will be born healthy and agile. If he is overwhelmed with a craving for it, and cohabits with her to avoid sinful desires, for he sees his desire growing stronger, leading him toward transgression, also on this he receives merit. However, it's better for him to conquer his passion, for as the sages teach, “A man has a small organ; if you starve it, it's satisfied; but if you satisfy it, it's hungry” (Sukkot 52B) But one who has no need for it, and deliberately arouses his lust, he is following the counsel of the evil inclination.
150:10
If it is possible, one should be careful not to have relations either at the beginning of the night or at the end, but rather in the middle. One shouldn't touch his membrum even for the sake of having relations, until one has washed one's hands properly, that is, three times alternating from a vessel, as explained in Chapter 2 of this book.
150:11
It's forbidden to have relations in marketplaces, or in streets, in gardens, or in orchards, but only in a suitable dwelling so that it won't resemble fornication.
150:12
When there is, Heaven forbid, a famine in the land, and the price of grain has doubled, even though one has grain in one's house, or when there is, Heaven forbid, any other misfortune, it is forbidden to have relations except on the wife’s immersion night. If they have no children it is permitted at any time.
150:13
One shouldn't have relations with one's wife unless she has a desire for it, but not otherwise, and certainly it's forbidden to force her. Similarly, he shouldn't have relations when he hates her, or when she hates him, and tells that she doesn’t want him, even though she consents to having cohabitation. Similarly, if he had decided to divorce her, and she doesn't know this, even though she isn't hated by him, it's forbidden to have relations with her. Also, one shouldn't have relations when she is fast asleep. And husband and wife shouldn't have relations when drunk.
150:14
When one is someone's guest, relations with one's wife are forbidden, unless a separate room has been assigned for them. They must not, however, sleep on sheets belonging to the host.
150:15
According to the rules of hygiene, one shouldn't have relations while satiated with food, nor when one is hungry, rather when one’s food has been digested. One shouldn't have relations while standing, nor when sitting, nor on the day one goes to the hot baths, nor on the day one's blood is let, nor on the day he starts out on a journey, or returns from a journey if he is traveling on foot, neither before them or thereafter.
150:16
Husband and wife shouldn't have relations in a bed where a one years old infant lies at their feet. A nursing mother shouldn't have relations except while her baby is sleeping, and she shouldn't nurse it until after two-thirds of an hour have passed, unless the baby starts crying.
150:17
Semen is the vitality of the body and the light of the eyes. When it is issued in abundance, the body weakens and life is shortened. A man who indulges in intercourse quickly ages, his strength fades, his eyes grow dim, and a bad smell comes from his mouth. The hair on his head, his eyebrows, and his eyelashes drop out. The hair of his beard, armpits, and legs get thicker. His teeth drop out, and many other aches befall him. Great physicians said that one out of a thousand dies from other diseases, while 999 dies from sexual indulgence. Therefore a person should exercise self-restraint.
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