Jewish Sexuality dot Com

Question:

I learned that the ideal is for the man to be on top and the lights to be off, but if getting up to turn off the light will ruin the "moment," then leave it on. And yes, holy kavannah (intentions) should be on your mind, but most importantly, you should focus on your own enjoyment and that of your spouse.

Answer: 

Looking at your and others' responses, I note that we continue to be prisoners of a foreign culture.

Photo: JewishPrisonerServices.org

Those of us who were raised in a very permissive, materialistic American culture, were bombarded by the media, TV, movies, etc, and were, of course, influenced by values which are foreign to Judaism. Those of us who came to be religious at a later stage in life were certainly exposed to what could simply be called promiscuity and immorality (although in America, they called it modern, progressive, liberal permissiveness).

Even if we later accepted the yoke of Torah and mitzvot and tamed the "beast" in us, we remain prisoners to a great extent to these distorted cultures. For instance, to ideas like you mention: "not to ruin the moment," and "the biggest kavannah you should have is perhaps to enjoy yourself." Is that indeed what OUR sources say about the biggest kavanah during marital relations? [See Raavad, Baalei Nefesh, Shaar HaKedusha].

We often ask halachic questions in the direction of: "How much can we continue in our old, distorted ways and still be mutar (permissible according to the Torah)?  Of course, those are not the words used, but that is often the spirit behind the question.

For instance, your question regarding oral sex stems from the cultural [or lack of it] background and the desire to continue a set behavior. The Rabbi, on the other hand, "had trouble understanding why someone would do it."  We must be honest and ask ourselves: Where do these questions and desires stem from - my "holy" side, the yetzer hatov, or from the yetzer hara, the evil inclination?

We remain spiritual prisoners of the foreign culture and wish to continue with the associated concepts - but with the permission of the Torah (to remain culturally American with all the materialism and sensualism and kosher holidays in Las Vegas). We would like to see these gentile values fit in the Shulchan Aruch [Code of Jewish Law] so we can say: you see, it is kosher (like the pig that shows its split hooves and says, "you see, I am pure," Breishit Rabba 65; Vayikra Rabba 13).

This foreign Western culture focuses on the external, the momentary, and sees success in finding a good high, instead of being true to our holy Jewish values and pleasing G-d. Perhaps we can find the greatest high by returning to the true freedom and happiness of living according to our inner Jewish truth and values.

The Chafetz Chaim writes (Chafetz Chaim on Nach, p. 123) that "at the end of the exile in which we are living today, there will be a great [cultural] war between kedusha and tumah (impurity)." We are indeed living in times when strong negative forces are using all their powers to convince us that we must be modern and progress with the times and accept the non-Jewish morals and standards that have supposedly brought such joy and happiness to mankind  - as if the Western world isn't filled with perversion, depression, adultery, jealousy, and rampant divorce!!

Our perspective toward marital relations is part of the larger picture. To be healthy as a holy, Torah nation, we must reevaluate our concepts and standards and return to our lofty Torah culture and unique lifestyle filled with Divine content. We must make a great effort to try to purify ourselves and rid ourselves of cultures that are literally foreign to our holy souls.

The Nation of Israel was Divinely created (Yishayahu 43:21) with such lofty ideals in order to take the world out of the darkness and passions and suffering it is submerged in. Our task is to perfect the world, tikun olam, to elevate all of life to its true fulfillment and perfection. Instead of striving for this sublime goal, we learn from foreign cultures and emulate their ways! One of the messages of the Festival of Succot is that the world is waiting for us to elevate them and bring blessing and purity to their lives - let us not be remiss on our destiny.

To the point in question: by striving for holiness in sexual relations, are we ruining the moment or raising it? Let us try to think how our holy forefathers lived, Avraham, Yitzhak,and Yaacov, and about the true family holiness in Israel. We know what loyal homes of purity our nation established throughout the ages (see Rashi, Bamidbar 24:5). We know about the guarding of eyes of our saintly Sages and how Avraham did not even look at his wife!

Yes, I realize we are not yet there today. Some may say it is even unrealistic to expect such a level. But let us remember our true nature. Who we really are and not who we have become due to the long exile and exposure to corrupted ideals. Let us remember where we are striving to reach.

Indeed the halacha may permit certain things, but we have to ask ourselves honestly: Is that what Hashem really wants? Accepting the yoke of Heaven means doing what G-d wants, not what we personally prefer for ourselves. As it says in Tehillim, 40:9: "To do YOUR will, My G-d, I desire,"  and in Pirkei Avot (2:4): "Make His will your will." 

Interestingly, the often cited Rama in Even HaEzer 25:2 ends with the comment that what may be allowed can be far from holiness. The Ramban (Vayikra 19:2) elaborates on this topic of naval birshut haTorah (being corrupt with the permission of the Torah). Rashi explains there that "be Kedoshim, be prushim," that holiness is to keep ourselves from sexual offenses. He defines sexual restrictions as the basis of kedusha-holiness (from our Sages teaching, Vayikra Rabba 24, that wherever you find sexual restrictions you find kedusha).

The Ramban goes further and says kedoshim means keeping even from permissible acts according to the letter of the Law, when done not in the spirit of the Law. The inner workings of Torah teach us the detrimental consequences of certain behavior, even when it is within the letter of the Law. Even if we are not kedoshim, we have to strive for higher and higher levels, and never be satisfied with where we are (as with the teshuva of Rav Saadiya Gaon, that each day we should be on a higher level and thus must do teshuva on yesterday's worship of G-d!).

Rav Mordechai Eliyahu in his book on taharat hamishpacha (Darchei Tahara) is very careful about and sensitive to what you pointed out. Many times in the book he reminds us to strive for holiness but not to jump! He says we should go slowly, slowly, together with our spouses, and not to be "holy" and avoid our marital obligations or cause other problems...

There is much more to say, but for now, all the best and may we all do teshuva - constantly!